Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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