I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
