Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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