ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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