If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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