Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
