he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
