What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
