I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Porn is love you can see.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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