We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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