Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
