He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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