When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
