I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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