I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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