her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
