I wish my penis had an off switch
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
