So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
that's an acceptable place to lick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
