those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
