Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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