your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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