If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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