Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
