I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We are two peas in an std pod
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
