I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
