the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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