How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
