all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
