She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
