pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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