so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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