like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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