my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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