I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
