If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We need a shit load of segways right now
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
