smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
