so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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