This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am available for nakedness
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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