How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
