I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
