Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
