"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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