Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dignity is for republicans.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
