bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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