The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Congratulations! We have a period
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