Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I could fuck to npr.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
