I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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