my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Randomize
