Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
