I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
