i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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