So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
