The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Quick, to the slutcave!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
