I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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