bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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